It’s taken me quite sometime to get around to writing this post. To lose both my grandmas three weeks apart, that’s not something I expected to deal with so soon or in this way. What are you supposed to do when something like this happen? I cried already, and I sat around listlessly, and I berated myself for not caring more and making more of an effort to be with them or in the case of Ba Noi, to not even visit once before she passed. But once that’s done, what are you supposed to do? Celebrate their lives people tell me, but I’m not sure what that means. My last memory of Ba Noi was 7 years ago, Ba Ngoai more recently but nothing special. Just my grandmas being my grandmas.
I think the worst part for me is seeing my parents cry. Hearing the pain and tears in my father’s voice when I talked to him after Ba Noi’s funeral. Seeing my mom at Ba Ngoai’s bedside after she had passed, crying and calling for her. That’s not how things are supposed to be. My parents can’t be crying - it just doesn’t happen. And my uncles - my strong, stubborn, resilient, persistent uncles who never show any soft side - to see them cry break my heart.
I don’t want to be missing the funeral, no matter how much of a once-in-a-lifetime experience Singapore is. Yet a small part of me is glad I’m here because I can hide, escape, deny, ignore the emotions that should come with grieving but which I am incapable of expressing at the moment. I don’t have to see my parents and relatives in pain. So maybe i’m a coward for running away, maybe I’m just emotionally stunted and don’t know how to grieve, but my heart is in the right place, even if I’m not.
Rest in peace. 5/13/12 & 5/30/12.